If you’re a parent, you’ve probably had moments when you’ve looked at your child—your sweet, beloved child—and wondered, Why are we always butting heads?
You’re not alone.
Conflict between parents and children is completely normal. But understanding why it happens can make those hard moments feel a little less frustrating—and a lot more meaningful.
Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of battles with my own kids. Some were over screen time. Others were about curfews or homework or just a simple “No.” But the more I’ve leaned into these moments (and sometimes cried through them), the more I’ve realized: most fights aren’t about the thing. They’re about what’s underneath.
Here are five reasons I’ve found why we clash with our kids—and what helps.
1. They Want Independence. We Want Safety.
As parents, we just want our kids to be safe. But they want to test limits, try new things, and explore who they are. That tension is natural—and often the root of arguments.
I remember when my oldest begged to walk to the store alone for the first time. I froze. What if something happened? But to her, it wasn’t just a walk—it was proof she was growing up. Once I realized that, I could say yes… with boundaries.
Try this: Instead of shutting things down, try saying, “Let’s talk about how to make this safe for you.” It helps your child feel heard and protected.
2. We Talk—But Don’t Always Listen
I’ve been guilty of this: nodding while mentally making dinner plans, or jumping in with advice when my kid just wanted to vent. Our kids want to feel emotionally heard, not just managed.
One night, after an argument, my daughter said, “You always talk at me, not with me.” That stung—but she was right.
Try this: Practice active listening. Put your phone down, make eye contact, and say, “Tell me more.” It goes a long way.
3. We’re Both Growing—and That’s Uncomfortable
As kids grow, they need more autonomy. As parents, we have to let go—bit by bit. It’s hard, especially when we’re used to doing everything for them.
I used to check every homework assignment. Now, I force myself to back off and let them own it. Yes, even if they forget an assignment or two. That’s how they learn.
Try this: Remind yourself that growing pains aren’t just for kids. Parents grow too—by letting go.
4. Stress Makes Everything Harder
Sometimes the fight isn’t about the messy room or the snarky tone. It’s about the pressure they felt at school—or the stress we brought home from work.
One of our biggest meltdowns happened on a day when we were both carrying too much. After things calmed down, I apologized for snapping—and my son did too. That moment healed more than it hurt.
Try this: Before reacting, pause and ask, “What else might be going on here?” Sometimes a hug helps more than a lecture.
5. We’re Coming from Different Worlds
Whether it’s generational, cultural, or just a difference in life experience, our values don’t always align. And that’s okay.
My parents raised me one way. I’m raising my kids in a different time, with different tools—and yes, different expectations. Conflict can arise from that gap, but so can connection, if we’re open.
Try this: Get curious about their world. Ask questions. Share stories. And remind them that even if you don’t agree, you love them unconditionally.
Final Thoughts
Conflict isn’t a sign that something’s wrong. It’s a sign that something is changing—and change is where growth happens.
So the next time you find yourself in a battle with your child, pause. Breathe. Ask yourself: What’s really going on here? More often than not, the answer is: love, wrapped in fear, growing up.
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just doing the hard, beautiful work of parenting.
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Dr. Alfred D'Silva 
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