We unknowingly and innocently damage our own self esteem due to the way we ascertain our self worth. It’s like we have a faulty system to determine our self esteem.
The way we value ourselves is based on the way others value us. The way we value our self was determined by others. In the past people told us who we are. We took them seriously and believed it.
Whenever we lived up to their expectations they appreciated us and we felt good about it and ourselves. Whenever we didn’t live up to their expectations they said we were no good and we again believed them. We came to an understanding of who we are based on our ability to live up to others expectations.
We rarely ever made an opinion about ourselves based on how well we lived up to our own expectations. Living our life based on others expectations and disappointing them we came to believe that we are no good. Others opinions decided our self worth. We always felt inferior and unworthy. Our self esteem and self confidence was determined by our ability to fulfill others expectations.
This started in our early formative years. Our childhood experiences at home, with our parents, elders, teachers, friends and all the people we came in contact with. They conveniently formed opinions about us. It was always or mostly based on their expectations from us and our ability to fulfill it. Based on their opinions we decided our self-worth. This method of self-worth determination kept our self-worth fluctuating as the opinions of the people kept changing based on our ability to fulfill their expectations. When self-worth is fluctuating the brain automatically chooses the lower value. This is how our self-worth took the beating and settled for low scores.
Even after several years we still hold those values to determine our self worth. Just as most people remember the bad situations in life longer than the good situations in a similar way they remember the low scores and forget the high scores.
We harshly judge ourselves for errors of judgement. The small and big mistakes we make. Making mistakes is human and it’s normal. When we are harsh on ourselves it damages our self-esteem.
When others judge us justly or unjustly for our shortcomings, we feel unworthy. Others judgement has a profound impact on our perception of ourselves.
When ever our self esteem is based on the opinions of others, we subject ourselves to harm and manipulation.
It’s important to understand the mechanism of how our mind creates and determines our self esteem. Learning this will help you determine and build your self esteem in the right way.
Now that you understood the mechanism of low self-esteem it’s time to raise our self-esteem by seeing yourself with compassion. Acknowledging that you are human and not God. Humans make mistakes, it’s perfectly fine for smart, intelligent people to make mistakes and disappoint others. Stop being harsh on yourself.
Learn to appreciate yourself, your success, your goodness, your accomplishments.
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Dr. Alfred D'Silva 
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